The Irrational Fear of Falling
The Irrational Fear of Falling
Summary: Martyn wakes up on the day after the dancing at Seagard
Date: 01/07/2012 (OOC Date)
Related Logs: Takes place the day after the dancing at the end of the Seagard Tourney.
Top of a tower at Seagard Castle

Sunlight? Where am I? Oh, at the rooftop. I remember now, how I got here after the dance, and after the talk with Katrin. I came right up here afterwards, and was watching the sea and thinking, like I usually do when I need to think. I must have fallen asleep up here.
I turn to look around for a few moments, then turn back to watch the sea, as I try to think. If my family, if most other people I know knew what I knew about all of this, they would probably call me completely insane. And I guess they probably would be right. I mean, I could have tried to get this thing over and done with today, but then I go and give my word to delay, a delay that could mean that I’m losing what I’ve been trying so hard to win. Why? Because I would not want her to despise me for not giving her dream a chance. If that makes it more clearly that I’m the second choice, so be it.
I wonder why it turned this way. It probably started on Harlaw, didn’t it? Being that close to death does something to you, I guess. I’ve felt a weariness in my mind since that situation, as if there’s something missing. And then when I met her, she made me open up a bit, and let out some of all the things I’ve been keeping inside since that event that feels so long ago. And for something like that, I can live with her insisting on calling me a good man, even though I don’t believe it to be true.
Then, she told me about her love for… him. And was never less than honest about that. But a person can't just stop their feelings, even if it’s the smart thing to do. And then, coming here, a certain Mystery Knight’s appearance, and the rest of this whole mess. But I still find that I can’t stop feeling the way I feel. I just hope her family doesn’t change their mind, and I can convince mine of the wisdom in this. Because, as I’ve said a few times, I truly believe she can make me better man, if not that good man she claims I am. And if things doesn’t go like I want, I hope we can still be friends, because ever since we got to know each other, I’ve valued her friendship very high.
I hope that if I ever tell someone the entire truth about this, they will know that much of this is my fault as well. But I don’t think I can ever tell them, at least not in a long, long time. But it’s true what people say, that love hurts. But maybe that’s the kind of pain that makes a person truly alive?
I look around, pausing as I watch the edge. Stepping over, I look down a bit carefully. Most people have an irrational fear of falling. They think it’s the fall itself that’s dangerous. But let’s face it, the fall is not what kills people, the landing is. Just like it’s not feeling such feelings as love that really hurts, it’s when reality comes up and hits you in the face. But just one step out there could end all this, a simple solution.
I stand there for a long while, unsure of what to do, weighing the pros and cons of the situation. But I care too much, about my family, about the people, and about her. It takes a bit of an effort, but I step back. One more look back, before I make my way down, the same way that I came up. I might yet jump from a roof, but that’ll not be here, not be now. And quite possibly be because I need to protect someone, not just for myself.
A deep breath released, as I sigh. Time to meet the day, and do what I can, even if I have too much on my mind. I just hope I’ll figure out this entire thing, and that thing goes my way. But no matter how it goes, I have to be strong. For everyone that might, even remotely be depending on me. But a part of me keeps on thinking, maybe I should have died out there, on Harlaw.
But even if it’s right or wrong, better or worse, this is who and where I am. That’s the only certain thing…