Page 326: Guilty Feelings
Guilty Feelings
Summary: Alone in her chambers, EInar tells Cordelya the feelings deep within is heart
Date: 10/06/2012
Related Logs: None specifically but follows on from (log not yet posted)
Einar Cordelya 
Anders' and Cordelya's Chambers, The Roost
Bed, table, window, clothes and stuff
Sun Jun 10, 289

It's afternoon, around half an hour after the rain started in fact, and by the small puddles he's leaving on the floor as he pauses outside the door to Anders' and Cordelya's chambers, it would appear that Einar has recently been outside. His cloak is missing, although by the comparative dryness of his shoulders and torso it apparent at least that it may have taken the worse that the weather could throw at the young Flint. Shifting the tray he has so it rests on only one arm he raises his now free hand to knock gently. "Corrie" he calls, there being no one else around to force him to keep to formalities, "it's Einar, I've brought your tea."

Cordelya isn't feeling nearly so poor as she was at the beginning of her pregnancy, but paranoia and the lack of her tea has kept her indoors more often than not. She doesn't wish to cause a scene, especially in a place that is not their home, so she's almost hiding in their chambers. It's more comfortable and warm compared to the rain, anyway. She's sitting up in bed, in her night dress and robe, one hand tracing along the words of a book in her lap, the other on the side of her rather noticeable belly. She looks up as she sees him, "…Oh, Einar… you… that's very sweet. You did not have to, you know… Orlagh is somewhere around here."

Einar would have to confess if asked, that the offering he brings is not Corries own blend of tea, he remembers what she said about the midwife's orders after all. Sadly, this is just run of the mill ordinary tea. Closing the door behind he him moves first to set the tray down on the little table that’s so conveniently within reach of the bed before turning to Corrie herself. "I felt the need to do something," he admits, "I couldn't summon up enough focus to do any reading and it's hardly the weather to be out and about."

Cordelya tilts her head quietly, a touch of concern brushing through her pale green gaze. As she realizes something is more wrong than his usual protectiveness, she sits up a bit straighter and puts her book aside, a ribbon tucked between the pages to keep where she left off. She accepts the tea carefully with both hands, gentle not to spill it anywhere. "…What is wrong, Einar? Talk to me… And thank you for the tea…" She doesn't push aside his sweet gesture again.

There silence for a moment or two, one that to Einar at least feels heavy and awkward. He uses the time though to work out just how to answer. He knows what he wants to say, but actually forming it into words and sentances, well that's just another matter entirely. He rubs one hands across his chin a couple of times before shrugging a little helplessly. "I don't think there is anything wrong," he eventally starts, "it's just.. it seems." Specifics seem to be failing him so something in his head switches to a less direct option, or a ramble as it's also known. "I mean, I'm happy that she's happy, of course I am, who wouldn't be? It's good to see and it's the way it should be, but it still hurts, the fact aht it's not him there making her happy. That he can't be there and so now it's someone else." THat seems to have done it for he continues barely pausing for breath, starting to pace a little as he does so. "Someone else making her smile, making her laugh, brightening up her day by their arrival when it used to be him. It should still be him. They're in the inn but I couldn't stay. I couldn't watch. Does that.. I mean.. is that wrong?"

"Oh… Einar…" Corrie breathes out quietly, only now actually catching onto what is bothering him. How thoughtless they all have been. She sets her tea aside, letting it cool for the moment and carefully shifting on the bed to move closer to him. She reaches out to pat the beddings next to her so he can come over and sit down. Her arms want to come up, wrap closely around him, pull him in tight for a deep embrace even if she knows she has no words to fix things. "NO, no… it's not wrong, love… not at all… You miss him. She probably does too but… one can't let a hole go on in their heart forever… Tia has lost so, so many… She's learned to fix herself better, I think. You, however… he was the only brother you may ever have. There is no way to fix or replace that. Of course you feel like this…"

Einar almost does not sit, given the puddle he's left where he's standing. He knows Corrie well enough though to quickly realise that resistance is entirely futile, he doesn't even fight the hug which should probably tell her something, assuming she hasn't already guessed. He nods silently as she speaks, either not wanting to, or not trusting himself to say anything in reply. Once she's finished though he lifts his glance a little from the floor and, after a relatively deep breath, replies, "I thought so, I mean.. that’s what I've been telling myself. It doesn't help though, not.. not when they're right there, you know, right in front of me." He pauses again, for what can only be described as a sigh before finishing with, "as I said, I'm glad she's happy, I just can't seem to share it."

Cordelya indeed isn't going to give him a choice. Her arms wrap tightly around him, holding him close against her small, soft chest. She doesn't dare let go either, even if he's soaking her white night dress. It's nothing he's not seen before! "You are only human, Einar, only a man..not one of the gods. You cannot help how you feel. But… You need to talk to her about this too. So she understands. I do not think she should stop because of it, but… at least she'll get why you left." Then Corrie pauses and pulls back, looking up to him in a touch of surprise. "You…didn't… I mean… You and Tia…?"

Einar had been doing okay, right until that last, disjointed question. Expression hardening into one of anger and incomprehension. Rising rapidly he stalks a few paces away from the bed before half turning back, "No! No I.." there is a slight pause, long enough only for him to bite back some particularly inappropriate language before he continues. "No I.. we, didn't. How could you even thi.." And then the anger is gone and whatever energy it was that had animated him drains away, leaving his shoulders to slump. Turning his head to look at Corrie again he asks, quieter, "how could you think that Corrie? She's my brother's wif.." He drops his head again as he corrects himself, "widow. She's like a sister to me, like Elissa. Not.. not.. like that."

As he abruptly pulls away like that, Corrie's eyes widen almost in guilt. She shakes her head to him, frowning a bit more apologetically. "I…I am sorry, Einar, I am. I didn't really mean it that way, I just thought maybe…if you… I don't know. I'm a fool these days. I am sorry." She breathes out, sinking back into some pillows and resting her hands over her belly protectively, her one bit of comfort these days. "You need to tell her these things. Just… get it off your heart, and then slowly, perhaps, you can heal. If you love her as a sister, you must know… Must learn how to let her be happy."

Einar does not look back immediately, just shakes his head slowly. "I can't tell her, I won't risk it upsetting her. You've seen how she's been there past few days, even after what you went through. How can I jeopardise that?" No, she mustn't know." Eyes darting back to Corrie he moves back towards the head of the bed, crouching to even out their eye level. "You mustn't mention it Corrie. It'll pass. Time, that's all that's needed, but she can't be made to feel guilty over this."

Cordelya frowns even more, clear worry on her features, "Don't…don't make her feel guilty, but if you avoid her, keep leaving the room, etc… She's going to start wondering. Just tell her the truth, upfront, honest. Tell her you are happy for her, you don't want her to stop, but it's still bothering you and it will tke time." Corrie reassures him as gently as possible.

"What else could result from tell her?" Einar asks, seeming calmer, and more collected now. "No matter how it's phrased it's still 'what's causing your happiness is causing me problems'. Even I swear to all the Gods, old and new, that I don't want her to stop, how does that result in anything but pain for her. She gets a choice of stopping, which no one wants, or having her happiness tainted." He pushes up to his full height again before declaring again, "she can not know."

"And what of your pain?" Corrie asks him flat out, staring up into his handsome, still young eyes. She sits forward and straight again, tossing the covers off, almost ready to get up and out of bed. Instead, her legs dangle down to the ground without her feet actually touching yet. But clearly she's awake, ready to move, relaxation over for the afternoon and tea forgotten.

"It'll pass," comes Einar's resigned answer. Moving a few feet towards the window he watches the rain for a moment then turns back, "it did before, and it will do again. I'll just need to be careful until then. I can do that though." He seems to have just about convinced himself of that at least, although as he spots her seemingly getting up he changes tack immediately and checks, "Do you want me to get Orlagh?"

<FS3> Cordelya rolls Mind: Failure.

Cordelya shakes her head quietly to him. "No, no… Gods, Einar, I can get up myself. I am fine." She insists stiffly, though her eyes flicker to something in the corner of the room and just seem to stare a few moments. She doesn't say anything else, but she does fully get up and move for her robe, just giving up on resting during this rainy day. Maybe she should even get dressed. "You just… you shouldn't have to go through this alone. At least talk to Anders?"

Einar has too many other things on his mind right now to notice that glance into the corner and he just nods at her insistence instead. He'd go for the robe himself and pass it across, but is not entirely sure that that wouldn't just serve to antagonise. As for Anders, that gives him pause before he eventually replies, faintly uncertainly, "I'll think about it." Which probably means he won't, but does mean that it will be given consideration.

"I mean it, Einar. If you don't at least talk to Anders about it, I will talk to Tia. That is the deal I make." Corrie's green eyes are dead serious, her arms crossing over her chest before she bothers with the robe. In this position, her breasts and belly are FAR more obvious, no doubt that she's pregnant. She also looks cute and a bit pouty in her night dress.

Einar frowns a little, but it should be familiar enough to Corrie to identify as the one that just means he's too busy thinking to pay attention to what his facial muscles are doing. It doesn't stay for long though, both options presented may not be what he'd call ideal, but one of them is at least livable with. "I'll try and find him when he's not busy," he caves, turning away to look out of the window once more at the rain.

<FS3> Cordelya rolls Mind: Failure.

Cordelya's green eyes look back towards the corner then, shaking her head slowly. "…The little people always come out in the rain… they don't like to hide in the ground then, it's too cold and damp… " She shivers a bit more, as if that chill was coming into her own body. She's still forgotten to put on her robe, maybe he should have handed it to her. "And… Anders… he is always busy. But he is your friend. Your mentor. Talk to him."

"My cousin," Einar answers, completing the list with a faint smile before turning back to the room. "I promise you that I will try, will you promise me though that you won't breathe a word of this to Tia?" There's a brief pause and then he adds as a precaution, "or to anyone else who might accidentally or purposefully breathe a word to her?" Not that he doesn't trust her, he just doesn't underestimate her intelligence. It's then that he notices she still hasn't made it as far as her robe and moves himself to correct that. It's not the largest of rooms, and it's only a matter of seconds before he passing the garmet to he, or draping it over her shoulders is she doesn't take it. "I can understand their dislike of the damp," he offers, referring back to her little people comment, "that another one of your marsh stories?"

<FS3> Cordelya rolls Mind: Success.

If he actually studies her, he'll see now that she is very firmly staring into the shadows in the far corner, near that big window. Her eyes trace something there, as if watching a small creature walk along the window. She doesn't notice him handing her robe, so he'll have to put it around her shoulders before she shakes out of whatever she's seeing and looks up to him. "Thank you…" She murmurs, tying the robe above her rounding belly. "And… yes… yes. It is how it worked in the Crannog. You'd see them on days like this. And I won't tell anyone who will tell her, if you talk to Anders."